Bilbo's Misadventures: A Hobbit Valentines Day
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: It's a special holiday, a Bilbo wants to give Thorin a meaningful gift. Thorin wants to give Bilbo a night to remember. In between all that they want, dwarfs stick their noses in and the misadventures run rampant! Fun story that's made to make you laugh.


**Bilbo's Misadventures: A Hobbit Valentines Day.**

A/N: This is set after the Rivendale adventure and before Dain's visit. Lets just say they celebrated this lovey dovey holiday in Middle Earth and enjoy what misadventures occur. Enjoy the crazy, fun filled adventure!

-0-0-

What do you give the person you love so very much, who has everything he ever wanted already, for Valentines Day? Bilbo was having a terrible time, trying to think up a gift idea good enough for his favorite dwarf, Thorin.

Bilbo had tried asking for advice from other dwarfs about the mountain, and so far was not satisfied with their ideas. Bofur thought that Thorin might like to be serenaded by Bilbo. The idea itself wasn't horrid, Bilbo just wasn't quite comfortable singing in front of people. Besides, Bilbo wasn't too sure he'd be able to remember all the words to a new song with what little time he had before the special holiday.

Bofur kept on insisting that the hobbit would be fine, and left to go gather his '_equipment_', whatever that meant. The dwarf didn't really seem to be listening to Bilbo as he tried explaining that he would consider the idea, but nothing was set in stone at the moment.

So Bilbo had wandered off and asked Bombur his opinion, and the dwarf took a moment to think before answering the hobbit.

"Grilled cheese." He nodded his head with approval.

"Excuse me?" Bilbo didn't quite understand what the dwarf had meant.

"Thorins favorite, grilled cheese sandwiches. He's sure to sink his teeth in and feel the love within that gooey, tasty morsel..." At that point Bombur began to salivate and get a goofy look to his eyes.

"I gotta go, little hobbit, but mark my words!" He called as the large fellow thudded off towards the kitchen. Shoving dwarfs aside as he made his way frantically towards his hearts desire...

Bilbo had sighed and shuffled off, searching out his next dwarf he felt might give good advice.

Dwalin happened to notice Bilbo walking about the mountain with a look of despair about him, and asked what was bothering the hobbit.

"I need advice on what to do for Thorin on Valentines Day. He's a dwarf with so much already...What can a simple hobbit like me do for him?" Bilbo searched hopefully into Dwalins eyes for an answer.

"Thorin may have many things, but I can think of one thing he'd enjoy. A war trophy, that might be _too hard _for you to find though..." He paused, making Bilbo uncomfortable as he was looked up and down.

"Trophy? What are you going on about?" Bilbo wanted the other to elaborate, gesturing for the dwarf to be more thorough.

"Remember the Pale Orc? He fell, thanks to Thorin, but the dwarf was never able to claim a war trophy from that damn Azog. Find his metal arm, and you've got Thorin happier than a dragon guarding treasure! Oh...maybe I could have used a better phrase..." He awkwardly chuckled.

"But Dwalin, how am I suppose to find it?!" Bilbo stamped his hairy foot in frustration.

"Well, I suppose a smart burglar like yourself can manage." Dwalin winked before trodding away, leaving Bilbo to wonder if he wasn't better off to just sing to the dwarfly king as a gift.

-0-0-

Thorin had prepared for an evening of enjoyment, he had secretly ordered a special meal to be created for the couple to enjoy privately.

He also had a gift, wrapped with care, to give to his hobbit companion. After their meal and gift unwrapping secession was done, Thorin planned on taking Bilbo to his bed and showing him a night filled with bearded passion.

Bilbo was sent a message, informing him that he was invited to enjoy dinner within Thorins private chambers. Any minute now, the hobbit was bound to arrive! Thorin had set up a small table and two chairs within his room to dine on. The food had already been delivered, a special surprise he thought the hobbit would find most amusing. Thorin had just finished lighting some candles for romantic lighting, when he heard a knock at his door.

"Enter." He regally called out, looking expectantly at the chamber door.

As the door swung open, little Bilbo sheepishly waddled in. His clothes were a bit roughed up and dirty, his hands were behind his back, hiding a colorfully wrapped package.

"Bilbo, what happened to you?" Thorin gestured at the fellows roughed attire. Bilbo chuckled awkwardly as he moved past Thorin to set his wrapped gift on the nearby table.

"It's been a busy day, that's all." Bilbo patted at his vest and jacket, dirt floating off him and landing on the kings pristine flooring.

Thorin stared a moment, wondering weather to keep pestering his companion about his travel worn appearance, but decided to let it go for now. After all, dinner was waiting and the king was excited to see his hobbits reaction to their main course.

Thorin, in his silky blue robe that was tied loosely around him to show off his robust and hairy chest, took Bilbo's chair and scooted it out of him. The hobbit smiled and politely took his seat, turning his attention to the large, covered dish before them.

"My, it must be an incredibly large meal you've readied for us!" Bilbo commented, while Thorin took his seat.

"I thought this meal would be appropriate, to show how much I care for you, little one." Thorin grinned as his hand gripped the handle of the cover.

"Feast your eyes on this, Bilbo!" Thorin exclaimed as he pulled off the large cover, exposing the surprise meal.

-0-0-

Bilbo's eyes grew round, bugging out in both horror and awe. Before him, cooked to perfection, was the great body of a goose. Now, back in the Shire, most folks when they cooked poultry, chopped off the head. Apparently, for one reason or another, this goose had its head still intact. It's face was pointed right at him, it's empty sockets and frowning beak intimidating the hobbit as he continued to gaze at it.

Thorin was going on about how he knew Bilbo disliked the creatures, and he had thought a dead and roasted one might make the hobbit..._pleased._

Bilbo took his eyes momentarily off the..._possessed_ looking thing...to smile politely at his expectant partner.

"It's lovely, Thorin...really!" He placed his gaze back upon the frowning bird. Paying attention mostly to the meal staring creepily at him, Bilbo gave a jump as he watched the creature slightly move. Letting out a small wail of fright.

"Alright there, Bilbo?" Thorin called, Bilbo now noticed his companion was carving into the thing, causing it to move slightly.

"Yes, just fine...To be honest Thorin." Bilbo paused, getting his kingly dwarfs full attention, "I'd be much happier if you'd do me a favor and lob it's eerie head off...the blasted thing looks like it's frowning at me." He gave an annoyed frown as the other laughed.

"Is my hobbit worried about a _dead goose_? It's alright Bilbo, I'll make him stop." Thorin stood up, carrying a large carving knife with him, and stood beside his friend. Bilbo crossed his arms, waiting for the evil water bird's beheading, when Thorin gave a leap and slammed his knife against the neck, propelling the head onto Bilbo's chest.

"Get it off! Get it _OFF_!" Bilbo closed his eyes and started flapping his hands to try and brush away the angry head.

Thorin was laughing as he tried helping his hobbit, getting slapped at in his attempt to remove the bouncing head.

At last, Bilbo was able to fling it away, the ugly head rolling onto the floor and disappearing underneath Thorins bed.

"Even dead they still find a way to get me!" Bilbo grumbled, his lower lip jutting out as he began to pout.

"Little hobbit, would you rather we dine on something else?" Thorin offered, seeing that his date was unhappy. "I have a dessert ready for us." Thorin trotted over to a small end table and picked up yet another covered tray.

"Dessert? I would eat that with gladder heart. I'm afraid the goose doesn't sound nearly as good anymore." Bilbo confided, watching as Thorin traded off trays, taking away the goose and presenting Bilbo with an unknown dessert.

"I suppose I can understand, though it was hilarious watching you bounce that head all around." Thorin smirked, which made Bilbo roll his eyes.

"What sort of sweet treat did you plan for our evening?" Bilbo inquired, ready to move past the horrible goose incident.

"Well, it's rather a simple dessert." Thorin had on an impish smile as he uncovered the tray. On the silver platter were strawberries, ripe and sweet looking, and beside them was a dish of freshly made whipped cream.

"My, Thorin! I must say they look very tasty!" Bilbo's lips began to water just looking at the large, red berries.

"Here, let me..." Thorin picked up a strawberry, slid it into the cream, and placed it into Bilbos awaiting mouth.

Bilbo treated Thorin to his own berry, shivering as the king licked off some cream that had been left on Bilbos fingers. Before the companions got any other ideas, a loud noise outside the bedroom door caught their attention.

Both hobbit and dwarf curiously left their table to peek out the door. To Thorins surprise and Bilbo's _horror_, Bofur was there. He had drums tied to his shins, with large spoons placed strangely about his knees. His arms had little bells tied all along them, so that when he moved they jingled, and in his hands he carried a lute.

"What's all this then?" Thorin asked, while Bilbo slid a hand across his face in frustration.

"Didn't he tell ya?" Bofur nodded to the now red cheeked Bilbo.

"Tell me what?" Thorin looked back and forth between the musical dwarf and his embarrassed looking hobbit.

"He's gonna sing you a song, Thorin!" Bofur smiled excitedly, while Bilbo looked ready to clobber the lute carrying fellow.

"Bilbo, you sing? This I must hear! Come inside, Bofur." Thorin gestured for the walking music machine to enter the room. Happily Bofur jangled and drummed his way inside, Bilbo fighting the urge to kick the dwarfs rump as he followed behind.

"Bofur, I said I'd _think_ about singing, I don't even remember all the words! You haven't given me enough time!" Bilbo hissed so that only the other could hear.

"It'll be fine! Just sing as best you can, and I'll fill in the blanks if you get into trouble."

"Somehow, I don't see that going well." Bilbo sighed with discontent. Thorin had sat himself on a chair and was waiting expectantly for the singing to begin.

"Alright, Bilbo!" Bofur started stomping his feet, making the spoons around his knees hit the drums on his shins. His arms jangled as he began to pluck at his lute.

'_Think Bilbo, how'd this silly song start_?'

"Oh, who fought a dragon and took back his home?

Thorin Oakenshield!

Who's brave and heroic and sits on the throne?

Thorin Oakenshield!

Who beat up old Azog and took back the stone?

Thorin Oakenshield!

His swordplay and valor be something you wish?

Thorin Oakenshield!"

Here Bofur did a fancy little jig and gave Bilbo a moment to assess his companions mood. Thorin wasn't exactly smiling, but he wasn't frowning either. He kind of had a twitch going as he continued to watch Bofur dance about outrageously. Bofur was shaking his booty and jingling his bells when Thorin stood, stomped over and grabbed Bofur by the waist of his trousers.

"Wait, the instrumental section isn't finished!" He howlered as Thorin hauled off the dwarf and tossed him out of the room.

"The next dwarf to wiggle his arse at me and thinks its funny, gets my boot through his teeth!" The king growled before slamming the door on Bofur.

"Thorin?" Bilbo felt his body tense as his dwarf companion marched over towards him. Would the hobbit get a spanking for making Thorin sit through that stupid song?

"Now, some privacy." Thorin sighed, surprising Bilbo with a hug.

"You're not mad?" Bilbo looked up at Thorin uneasily, use to his mood swings and wondering if he'd start to get haughty soon.

"You were fine, Bilbo. Bofur just started making it all about _him, _he's known for being a bit of a showboat." Thorin harrumphed.

"But enough of him, I want to give you something." He moved from Bilbo to grab a specially wrapped gift out of his dresser.

"Thorin, you didn't have to get me anything." Bilbo smiled softly as the king placed the gift into his small, hobbit hands.

"I wanted to, it's sort of an apology gift as well..." When Bilbo gave him a funny look, the king urged him to hurry up and open the gift.

Curiously, the hobbit opened the wrapping, gaping as his eyes landed on the item. "It's a..._tea cozy_?" He awkwardly asked, looking at the round, shoddy looking crocheted item.

"It's a _hat_!" Thorin barked, pulling back his temper to force a smile, "A hat, I learned simple techniques from Ori to make it for you...since I destroyed that...gift of yours...I wanted to make amends." He reached out and placed the 'hat' upon Bilbo's small head. The hat was large, covering the hobbits ears as well as his eyes, making Thorin frown.

"There we have it, you make me something too tight, and I make you something too large." The king sighed, taking a seat at the table and resting his head in his hands.

"Thorin, don't be upset, I love it!" Bilbo wandered over and patted the sad dwarf on the back. "Come on, open up my gift, it's sure to cheer you!" Bilbo reached over and grabbed the colorful package, handing it to Thorin.

"I have to wonder, little hobbit, did you get roughed up from retrieving this gift?" Thorin asked, pulling back the wrapping and looking upon a simple box.

"I'll explain after you've seen it." Bilbo assured his friend, looking expectantly for Thorin to open the lid.

Curiously, he lifted off the lid, and stared dumbfounded at the item inside. An item that Thorin had never dreamed of seeing again, and honestly hadn't desired to...Azog's metal arm, the arm he had forged into a blade, the blade that had done damage to Thorin in their great battle. His foot began to ache as memories flooded back, his eyes glued to the still blood stained blade.

"It's your trophy, Thorin! For killing Azog." Bilbo explained himself, to which the king had no rebuttal, his mind was still strolling down memory lane.

"You wouldn't believe how many burned Orc corpses I had to search through! I never thought I'd find it, then suddenly it was there! Dwalin gave me the idea, and I can see it really surprised you." Bilbo smiled, feeling that he had done something right.

'_For Bilbo's sake, don't lose control. Just get through this evening_.' Thorin mentally prepared himself before thanking the hobbit.

"A gift that can be unrivaled." Thorin assured his companion. "Now that the gifts have been...received, how about a dip in the hot springs? My burglar smells a bit too much of burned Orc for me to appreciate him...in _special_ ways." Bilbo blushed as Thorin began to lead the way towards the door, taking the boxed gift with him.

"You run along ahead, I'll grab a few things and meet you down there." Thorin promised, tapping Bilbo's rump as he sent him off.

Thorin began his quick search through the mountain, spying Dwalin drinking ale in the kitchen.

"You, get rid of this." Thorin slammed the boxed metal arm onto the table. Dwalin eyed the box and peeked inside, then looked at his king with confusion.

"It's your war trophy!" Dwalin argued.

"It still has stains from my blood on it! Get rid of it, Dwalin!" Thorin growled, only leaving the dwarfs side once he promised to dispose of the wretched blade arm.

Dwalin had been enjoying his drink a bit too much, and kept going at it, putting off his task, till the alcohol made him sleepy. The dwarf nodded off, laying his head on the table next to the box, when two mischievous dwarfs popped into the kitchen.

Kili and Fili were always in the mood to take advantage of passed out companions, and began putting Dwalin in funny positions. They had set a pot on his balding head, when Kili first noticed the box. Always the curious type, the young dwarf opened it while Fili still kept messing with Dwalin.

"Ah! Fili, Fili come look!" Kili urged, getting his brothers attention. Fili trotted over and gazed down upon the boxed item.

"The Pale Orc's arm! But why does Dwalin have it? By rights it's Uncle Thorins trophy!" Fili looked over at Dwalins unconscious form and frowned.

"I know! Lets return it to uncle's room!" Kili put the lid back on the box, ready to do their good deed.

"First, I think Dwalin needs to learn a lesson!" Fili had a mean gleam in his eyes as he began propping up Dwalins large form, receiving help from his eager brother. Both lads had Dwalin on top of the table, his head down against the table top with his arse jutted up. Kili found an apple and placed it in Dwalins snoring mouth, while Fili did a more disturbing trick. He had found a lone crochet hook nearby, the dwarf took the hook over to Dwalins rear, pulled down the sleeping fellows trousers and gently shoved the item between the unsuspecting dwarfs butt cheeks. It looked like a little wooden flag, hanging out Dwalins arse. The lads, giggling with utter delight, left the dwarf as he was. They dutifully took uncles war trophy and headed for his room.

-0-0-

The springs were warm and cozy as the companions bathed one another. Bilbo had been thoroughly scrubbed, his body now lightly scented by a lavender soap. His companion had snuck in little touches here and there that had made Bilbo gasp and blush. Thorin appeared to be enjoying himself, and that was all that mattered to Bilbo.

Once it was Thorins turn to be rubbed down with slippery soap, Bilbo had been a bit naughty to his companion. The hobbit would be lathering up the kings back, and accidentally the bar of soap would slip from his fingers. Bilbo would ask politely if Thorin would pick up the item, and once the dwarf was bent over, the hobbit would prod a certain appendage against the royal arse. Every time he did so, Thorin would leap in surprise, dunking himself head first into the warm water.

"And I thought I was jumpy." Bilbo would tease him, seeing a deep red color on Thorins lightly annoyed looking face.

"I am unaccustomed to that change up, Bilbo. That is all!" He huffed at his hobbit, the king was usually the one poking Bilbo, not the other way around!

When the bathing and foreplay was done, the eager companions left the springs, wrapped only in towels. They laughed and giggled as they passed down long halls, feeling sneaky and naughty as they wandered back up to Thorins bed chambers.

Unbeknownst to the happy play mates, a few moments before they were headed back to the room, two other dwarfs had ventured in. Fili and Kili had meant well by delivering to their uncle his boxed war trophy, but since he was not within his chambers, they got into a curious mood. Seeing as Thorin wasn't there to bat their curious hands away, the lads began to lightly look at Thorins private things.

Fili had found a drawing of Bilbo in his uncles nightstand drawer, and Kili had found in Thorins sock drawer a very rancid looking sock. When he showed Fili the crusty, yucky thing, Fili burst out a laugh.

"What? Why does uncle keep such a gross thing? It ought to be washed!" Kili commented, which only made his brother laugh more.

"Kili, you're holding uncles 'special' sock. The kind a dwarf uses when he...gets an urge? And there's no female to help him release his...feelings." At this, Kili jerked back and let the icky sock drop, his face scrunched up in disgust.

"Hey, what's under there?" Fili pointed across the room to a large, covered tray. He wandered over with his grossed out brother in tow, the blonde dwarf lifted the cover and gasped at the large roasted bird before him.

"Look! Uncle has some left overs! Lets take it and,..." Fili paused, hearing laughter outside the door.

"Hurry, Kili, under the bed!" Fili ordered as he slipped the tray into his arms and rushed to hide under their uncles bed. The two dwarfs shuffled quickly under, their meal squeezed in front of them, they'd not leave without it!

They heard the chamber door open, Bilbo's voice along with Thorins could be heard speaking softly to one another.

"To the bed with you, Master Baggins!" Thorin ordered, the hiding dwarfs saw a towel drop to the floor, followed by another one. Their eyes grew large as they felt weight on the bed above them, their minds trying not to think about what their uncle was about to do to little Bilbo.

Fili pointed at the goose meat in front of them, Kili shrugged and swiped a chuck of meat off, eating it quietly as both lads tried to not listen in on the pillow talk above them.

"Bilbo, are you wanting to try something different? In the springs you seemed to be enjoying my usual position." The lads could not help but hear this, their goose meat not tasting quite as nice.

"I was only teasing you, I'm still happy with...ohh!" The hobbit made a moan, making both Fili and Kili blush as they continued to force feed themselves, trying hard to distract themselves from what their uncle was about to do.

"Thorin, I don't know how long I'll last if you keep that up..." Bilbo murmured, they didn't hear their uncle reply, just the sound of a strange, suction could be heard, along with Bilbos moaning.

"Fili?" Kili whispered.

"Don't speak, Kili, we might get caught." Fili whispered back heatedly.

"Fili, we need an escape plan." Kili hissed. Fili lightly kicked sideways at his brother, his frown deepening as he put a finger to his lips, demanding silence.

Bilbo made a funny, choking sound above them, followed by a long, pleased sigh. "Oh Thorin." He spoke sweetly towards their uncle.

"My my, Master Baggins, that was a lot of hobbit custard to swallow." Thorin suavely spoke.

Fili and Kili looked and one another and attempted to hold back their laughter, Kili letting out a hissing laugh that was audible.

"Thorin, did you hear something?" Bilbo asked of their uncle.

Fili glared at his brother, feeling doom closing in on them as they waited for Thorin to answer.

"No, little hobbit. But I was thinking, we don't need the candles lit any longer." His foot was seen along the bed, Fili and Kili watched silently as their beloved uncle went about the room to blow out all the lighting.

Thorin made his way back towards the bed, and as he went to climb up, his foot knocked something down off the nightstand. With a thunk, the box fell to the floor, tipping over and exposing the gleaming bladed Orc arm.

"What'd you knock over?" Bilbo called, as Thorins feet came back down onto the floor, his right foot landing on the blade.

"_Dragon vomit!_" Thorin cursed, lifting his hurt foot to look at it. "What in Durin's name did I step on?!" He growled, fumbling around his night stand until a candle was finally lit. The dwarf bent down and peered at the accursed blade.

"Damn him!" Thorin cursed under his breath, the lads watching shifted uncomfortably, their uncle did not seem happy with his returned trophy...

"Wait here, Bilbo, I need to take care of something." He flopped it back into its box and limped away from the bed. Bilbo was heard sighing, then the weight above them shifted, their eyes taking in hobbit feet.

"Where is he off to?" Bilbo mumbled to himself, moving away from the bed and towards the table.

"Fili, lets leave while its just Bilbo here." Kili hissed, and Fili kicked him for speaking, the other let out a yowl, getting the hobbits attention.

"Someone there?!" Bilbo called out, his feet walking back and forth, candles lighting here and there wherever he went.

Fili was whispering harshly at his brother, telling him off when the hobbit bent down and poked his head under the bed.

"Fili, Kili?!" He gasped, seeing the half eaten goose carcass and pulling away.

"Bilbo, we're soorry for snooping!" Kili began to apologize, sliding out from underneath the bed and bringing the tray with him.

Fili grumbled under his breath, slipping out from underneath the bed to see what their hobbit friend would do.

"Please don't tell uncle, he'll have our hides!" Kili pleaded, "We were only trying to return his Orc arm! We found Dwalin with it down in the kitchens!" The young dwarf explained.

"Yes! And we taught him a lesson too, he won't be taking any of uncles things ever again!" Fili added, taking the tray Kili held and placing it on the table.

"Wait, you two found Azogs arm with Dwalin? But it should have been in here all along! I can't believe Dwalin would want it all to himself..._Wait_!" Bilbo thought back to Thorins absence, when he went off to do something before arriving at the hot springs.

"He wouldn't!" Bilbo spoke out loud to himself, his young companions error now far from his mind. "I've got to confront him on this!" Bilbo decided, heading for the door.

"Bilbo, you should really put something on before leaving!" Kili called after him, the hobbit stopped, looked down at himself, and turned ten different shades of red.

"Here, this might help." Fili reached down and picked up one of their towels, tossing it to the mortified looking Bilbo.

"You two get out of here before your uncle comes back, and we never speak of this again!" Bilbo spoke as he wrapped himself up, giving both dwarfs the stink eye.

"Fair enough, I don't either of us want to remember it." Fili shuttered, making Bilbo blush deeper before he hurried off to find Thorin.

-0-0-

Thorin was trying to rouse his passed out companion, his anger had somewhat dwindled as he looked upon Dwalins very amusing position. Thorin was still pissed that the dwarf hadn't done as he was asked, the blasted fool had been bold enough to put the Pale Orcs arm back in his room! Dwalin needed to wake the Hell up and answer for his actions!

At the moment, Thorin was up on the table, his crotch in Dwalins face as he kneeled to slap at Dwalins balding head.

"Damn you, Dwalin!" Thorin cursed as he continued to try and wake the other, that was when Bilbo appeared.

"Thorin!" Bilbo growled, his hands were balled into fists as he marched closer, pausing to really take in what the dwarf was doing.

"What in Middle Earth is going on here, Thorin?!" Bilbo demanded, gesturing at Thorins very odd closeness to Dwalin. It was as that moment, when Dwalins apple slipped out from his mouth, and his jaws clamped painfully down on something else.

"My Oakenshield! Dwalin let go!" He tugged back, hurting himself more in the process and royally pissing off Bilbo.

"You tramp!" Bilbo accused, flying over to the table and gripping Thorins hair, pulling it in outrage.

"No! Get him off me, Bilbo! I'm the blasted victim here!" Thorin argued, his head jerking back in pain as Bilbo tugged harder in his anger.

"Right! And you weren't trying to _pawn off_ my gift to him either, huh? You insensitive arse!" Bilbo let go of his hold to climb behind Thorin. Bilbo looked over Thorins shoulder to glare at the dwarf who currently held tightly onto Thorins package with his iron like jaws. Bilbo's eyes suddenly noticed something else going on with Dwalins body, in his ass was Bilbo's _favorite_ crochet hook!

"The _horror_!" Bilbo cried, jumping up to stand on the table and jog behind the unconscious Dwalin. With a quick jerk, he pulled out the hook, slapping Dwalin across the arse with it.

Dwalin, out of everything that could have awakened him, awoke to the ass slap, looking dead on at Thorins hairy underparts.

Dwalin went to scream in rage but found that his mouth was full, he pulled back and spat out the swollen package.

Dwalin felt his stomach twisting uncomfortably, his tongue feeling miscellaneous hairs within his mouth.

He commenced vomiting shortly after that, Thorin rushing out of the way and watching the dwarf barf up bits of hair and other, revolting items. Deciding it best to let the Orc arm matter drop, Thorin slunk away before Dwalin could recover.

Bilbo had taken off with his crochet hook, and Thorin searched throughout the mountain for him. He at last came upon the hobbit on the highest balcony. Bilbo was still only wearing a towel around his waist, like Thorin himself. The hobbit was leaning against the railing, looking down upon the city lights below.

"Bilbo, let me try and explain..." Thorin began, his hobbit sighed and kept looking only at the city lights.

"I didn't take Azogs arm as a trophy for a reason, this arm has done a lot of terrible, horrible things, a lot of those deeds to me personally. It just brings back bad memories, and I didn't want that around our home. I know you worked very hard to retrieve it, and I appreciate the effort, but I don't think it's wise to keep such a dark thing among us."

Bilbo turned to look at Thorin then, sizing the king up, seeing that his face was sincere. "Well, you could have just explained earlier, rather than go through all that mess." Bilbo crossed his arms, staring at Thorin as if he were a naughty child.

"Can you then explain why Dwalin had your privates in his mouth?" Bilbo asked, smirking as the kingly dwarf grew red in the face, his hands protectively guarding his covered and aching package.

"He wasn't being _intimate_, Bilbo, he was trying to _tear them off_!" Thorin answered his companion.

"I've a mind to do it myself if I find that you're a liar, Thorin Oakenshield!" Bilbo pointed a finger at the embarrassed looking king.

"I'm only inclined to have one person in this mountain to touch me so boldly, little one, and that person is definitely not Dwalin!" Thorin assured the still pouty looking hobbit.

"Good, it'd better stay that way, Master Oakenshield, because this hobbit is not inclined to share you!" Bilbo finally smiled, and allowed his kingly companion to hug him closely.

"Some holiday this was. At least my nephews didn't get their noses into any of this." Thorin sighed tiredly, Bilbo stiffened somewhat in his arms.

"Yes, thank goodness for that small favor..." Bilbo awkwardly chuckled, Thorin was better off never knowing his nephews hand in all this.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


End file.
